# 598:  © Hilmar Alquiros, Philippines

 

The Art of  Sarcasm

 

 

CONTENT (links)

Introduction

Types

A) Typology

1. Deadpan Sarcasm

2. Self-Deprecating Sarcasm

3. Biting Sarcasm

4. Playful Sarcasm

5. Hyperbolic Sarcasm

6. Social Commentary Sarcasm

7. Verbal Irony

8. Paraprosdokian Sarcasm

Media

Ricky Gervais, Henning Wehn, Michael Mittermeier, Vince Ebert, Kaya Yanar, Steven Wright, Don Rickles, Mitch Hedberg, George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Joan Rivers, Chris Rock, Sarah Silverman

The Simpsons/South Park, Gary Larson/The Far Side

Literature

Humor

Sarkasmus to Go

German Voices in Literature and Satire

Heinrich Heine, Kurt Tucholsky, Karl Kraus, Erich Kästner, Loriot, Dieter Hildebrandt

 

B) Sarcasm oneliners from A to Z

 

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Introduction

 Sarcasm is one of the sharpest tools in the arsenal of humor, built on irony, wit, and the art of saying the opposite of what one means. At its core, it relies on contrast: the surface meaning of the words clashes with the intended meaning, creating humor, critique, or irritation. A simple example is greeting a chronically late friend with, “Glad you could make it on time.” The words praise punctuality, but the tone and context make clear it is a jab.

 The word itself has a biting history. Sarcasm derives from the Greek sarkázein, meaning “to tear flesh like a dog.” Over centuries it evolved to mean “to bite one’s lips in rage” or “to sneer.” By the 17th century, it had come to denote a sharp, often satirical remark designed to wound, expose, or ridicule. This etymology underscores the dual nature of sarcasm: while it can amuse, it can also sting.

 Although closely related, sarcasm is not identical to irony. Irony often points out the absurdity of a situationsuch as a soccer player accidentally scoring on their own team without necessarily targeting anyone. Sarcasm, by contrast, is pointed; it directs irony toward a person, belief, or system, often through exaggeration, inversion, or mock praise.

 What makes sarcasm enduringly powerful is its flexibility. It can be light and playful, a way of teasing among friends; self-directed, as a form of humorous humility; or biting, designed to expose folly or puncture egos. It can appear deadpan, hyperbolic, or in elaborate social commentary. In all its forms, sarcasm adds subtlety and sharpness to humor, inviting audiences not just to laugh, but to think, reflect, and sometimes wince.

 

Types

 Sarcasm takes many shapes, each defined by its delivery and effect:

 Deadpan sarcasm hides the joke in a flat, emotionless tone, letting the absurdity reveal itself only to attentive listeners. Self-deprecating sarcasm turns the wit inward, exposing one’s own flaws with humor that blends humility and resilience. Biting sarcasm, by contrast, is sharp and cutting, ridiculing its target with little cushioning. Playful sarcasm uses irony to tease without malice, building rapport rather than wounds. Hyperbolic sarcasm exaggerates ordinary situations to ridiculous extremes, making its irony obvious through overstatement. Social commentary sarcasm directs its sting at society and culture, exposing hypocrisy and folly through ridicule. Verbal irony plays on the gap between literal words and intended meaning, demanding a quick mental shift from the audience. Finally, paraprosdokian sarcasm relies on linguistic surprise, starting predictably but twisting in its final words to deliver the punch.

 Together these eight forms show sarcasm’s versatility: it can be subtle or blunt, self-mocking or accusatory, playful or caustic. What unites them is the same core principle saying one thing and meaning another, with wit sharp enough to amuse, provoke, or unsettle.

 

 Sometimes partly different types of sarcasm are named, such as self-deprecating, brooding, deadpan, polite, obnoxious, raging, and manic. These labels tend to describe the tone or emotional flavor of sarcasm rather than the underlying mechanics. For instance, brooding overlaps with our self-deprecating and deadpan categories, while polite and obnoxious are shades of biting sarcasm - one wrapped in civility, the other delivered with bluntness. Raging reflects the anger-driven edge of hyperbolic sarcasm, and manic corresponds to playful or exaggerated cheer.

 Useful as these terms may be for describing mood, the eight-part typology presented here offers greater clarity by focusing on the mechanisms of delivery and effect. This sharper division not only shows how sarcasm works but also why it can cut, amuse, or disarm in such a wide variety of ways.

 

 


Typology

 

 In the following chapters, each of the eight types will be explored in detail, beginning with Deadpan Sarcasm.

 

1. Deadpan Sarcasm

 

 Deadpan (Dry) humor thrives on an impassive, emotionless delivery that contrasts sharply with absurd or ironic content. The comedy emerges from the unexpectedness of the remark or situation, presented as though it were entirely serious, creating tension between what is said and how it is said.

 Masters of this style, such as Buster Keaton, perfected the art of maintaining a stoic, expressionless face even in chaotic or physically demanding scenes, showing how restraint can heighten absurdity.

 The effectiveness of deadpan lies in its refusal to signal humor; by withholding any visible reaction, it forces the audience to discover the incongruity themselves. In doing so, it underscores life’s inherent absurdities while inviting the audience to engage more actively with the wit on their own terms.

  • I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced, I keep the house.

  • At my funeral, please don’t say ‘He’s in a better place.’ I’m claustrophobic.

  • Life is a sitcom. I'm just not sure who the laugh track is for.

  • Brain loading… please wait.

  • Error 404: motivation not found.

  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

  • Adults are just kids with invoices.

  • Technically alive, emotionally buffering.

  • I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.

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2. Self-Deprecating Sarcasm

 

 Self-deprecating sarcasm turns the wit inward, making the speaker the target of the joke. By exposing personal flaws, shortcomings, or embarrassing moments in a humorous way, it creates both vulnerability and relatability. This paradox—lowering oneself while displaying sharpness of mind—makes the humor endearing rather than hostile.

 It often highlights everyday ineptitude, failed relationships, or awkward habits, reframing weakness as comic material. The effectiveness lies in its humility and self-awareness: the ability to laugh at oneself not only disarms criticism but also signals resilience, making the speaker more approachable and likable.

  • I'm so bad at relationships, I make single look good.

  • I have an hourglass figure; too bad the sand has shifted.

  • I follow a rigorous exercise routine: jumping to conclusions, running my mouth, and pushing my luck.

  • I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

  • Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person, but then I laugh and continue my day.

  • I’m not failing. I’m exploring alternative victories.

  • I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

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3. Biting Sarcasm

 

 Biting sarcasm is sharp, cutting, and often cruel. Unlike playful irony, it ridicules others directly, with little cushioning, its humor found in the sting rather than the smile. The word itself comes from the Greek sarkasmos, “to bite one’s lips in rage,” capturing its caustic edge. While ordinary sarcasm can be lighthearted, biting sarcasm carries an aggressive intent—mocking, hostile, or openly contemptuous. It may cloak itself in humor, but its goal is to belittle, wound, or expose.

 Delivered with caustic wit, it highlights flaws with surgical precision, often leaving the target unable to protest without being dismissed as humorless. At its best, biting sarcasm can be a weapon against pretension or arrogance; at its worst, it veers into passive-aggression or verbal cruelty, reminding us that laughter can cut as well as heal.

  • If I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb your ego and from there jump to your IQ level.

  • I’m not saying I hate people, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.

  • Mirrors don’t lie, and lucky for you, they don’t laugh either.

  • You’re not useless. You can always serve as a bad example.

  • When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead … same way when you’re stupid.

  • I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception.

  • Even my failure in style outperforms your banal success.

  • If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.

  • It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

  • Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

  • Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.

  • Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

  • Sorry… to have met you.

  • You're not the sharpest spoon in the drawer, are you?

  • I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.

  • I really need the one thing you can provide, your absence.

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4. Playful Sarcasm

 

 Playful sarcasm is light-hearted, teasing, and meant to amuse rather than wound. It uses irony with a wink, not a dagger, signaling through tone and context that the words should not be taken literally. Unlike biting sarcasm, which mocks or belittles, playful sarcasm builds rapport, often strengthening bonds among friends who share a common sense of humor.

 Its cues are found in exaggeration, over-the-top phrasing, or mismatched delivery—flat intonation paired with absurd content, or nonverbal signals like a smirk, wink, or eye roll that mark the comment as jest. When used with care and among those who understand it, playful sarcasm can lighten the mood, turn flaws into shared laughter, and create a sense of camaraderie through irony that entertains rather than offends.

  • I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

  • You should be careful if you don’t want to be offended. I can speak fluent sarcasm.

  • Zombies eat brains. Don’t worry, you’re safe.

  • I’m silently correcting your grammar.

  • Sure, I have all the time in the world to listen to your life story.

  • Wow, thanks for inviting me to your party. I love spending time with strangers.

  • Punching people in the face but with words!

  • Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once.

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5. Hyperbolic Sarcasm

 

 

 Hyperbolic sarcasm relies on deliberate exaggeration, stretching ordinary situations or traits to absurd proportions. Its humor lies in the obvious overstatement complaints so extreme, comparisons so unlikely, or reactions so inflated that they reveal their own ridiculousness. This style often amplifies hunger, tiredness, laziness, or frustration until the mundane becomes absurdly comic: “It’s so cold I saw a polar bear buying a jacket,” or “I’m so broke I can’t even afford to pay attention.”

 Hyperbolic sarcasm can target personal traits, everyday inconveniences, or cultural commentary, using outsized imagery to highlight the gap between reality and the claim. Its effectiveness comes from playfulness: the exaggeration is too extreme to be taken literally, making the wit both relatable and unmistakably sarcastic.

  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

  • This traffic is so bad, I’ve aged 10 years in the last hour.

  • I’m so lazy that if there was an award for laziness, I’d send someone else to pick it up.

  • I'm so hungry, I could eat the menu itself.

  • It was so hot yesterday, I think my shadow was trying to find shade.

  • I'm so busy, I don't have time to tell people how busy I am.

  • I'm so broke, I can't even afford to pay attention.

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6. Social Commentary Sarcasm

 

     “Drink 'til you want me” – “I can't drink that much”.

 

 Social commentary sarcasm turns its wit outward, targeting society, politics, and culture. It ridicules hypocrisy, exaggerates absurdities, and exposes the gap between ideals and reality. More than entertainment, it functions as a mirror, provoking thought and inviting critique of systems we often take for granted. Found in literature, theater, film, and parody news, this form of sarcasm ranges from Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels, which mocked the follies of 18th-century politics, to Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest, satirizing Victorian morality.

 In modern media, The Truman Show critiques reality television and voyeurism, while The Onion parodies journalism itself. Its strength lies in making us laugh at society’s flaws while also recognizing them as our own.

  • Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx.

  • We live in a society that thinks a degree makes you smart and a suit makes you credible.

  • Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

  • We all make mistakes. Mine just have better PR.

  • The road to hell is probably a group chat.

  • It was so cold last winter, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

  • Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

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7. Verbal Irony

 

 Verbal irony thrives on the gap between what is said and what is meant. The humor emerges from double meanings, contradictions, or twists that force the listener into an “aha” moment when the intended sense clicks into place. Unlike blunt sarcasm, it depends on clever phrasing and the audience’s ability to recognize the disparity between literal and implied meaning.

 Examples include: “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already,” where “losing” plays on time rather than weight; “I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was a kid,” treating an object as a runaway parent; or “I sleep like a baby I wake up every two hours crying,” which flips a cliché into self-deprecating humor. Its sophistication lies in the language itself: by saying one thing and meaning another, it makes the listener complicit in the joke.

  • I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

  • I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

  • I sleep like a baby – I wake up every two hours crying.

  • Hyphenated. Non-hyphenated. The irony. (picture!)

  • I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

  • I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

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8. Paraprosdokian Sarcasm

 

 

 Paraprosdokians are sentences that begin with a familiar or predictable pattern and end with an unexpected twist. The term, from the Greek for “beyond expectation,” captures the essence of humor that lures the listener into one direction before abruptly subverting it. This form thrives on surprise, delivering punch lines that invert assumptions and force a mental double take. Variations include pun-based, self-deprecating, absurdist, philosophical, or sarcastic turns, each using the same principle of sudden reversal.

 Famous examples include Winston Churchill’s quip, “You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing after they’ve tried everything else,” or the darker play, “War does not determine who is right only who is left.” Whether witty, biting, or unsettling, paraprosdokians entertain by disguising the punch until the very last word, creating humor through the shock of inversion.

  • War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  • I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

  • Speak the truth –but leave immediately after.

  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

  • You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else. (Churchill)

  • Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.

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Media

 Beyond theory, sarcasm thrives in performance. From stand-up stages to animated satire, here are some of its masters…

 In the world of comedy, several stand-up comedians are renowned for their mastery of sarcasm and wit. Some of these notable figures include:

  • Ricky Gervais:
      Known for his sharp, observational humor and unapologetic style. His sarcasm often takes aim at celebrity culture, religion, and political correctness.

  • Henning Wehn
     The self-styled “German Comedy Ambassador,” based in London. His trademark is sarcastically exaggerating the stereotype of the pedantic, humorless German and turning it into playful absurdity that British audiences love.

    Michael Mittermeier
     One of the first German stand-ups to tour in English (New York, London). Known for political satire and sarcastic riffs on pop culture, he brought a distinctly European perspective to the global comedy stage.

    Vince Ebert
     A physicist turned comedian who brings “science comedy” to stages in the U.S. and Canada. His dry, sarcastic takes on science, technology, and everyday logic resonate across languages and cultures alike.

    Kaya Yanar
     Famous for his characters and playful takes on cultural stereotypes. He has performed in English in the U.S. and Canada, where his sarcastic spins on identity and clichés struck a chord with diverse audiences.

  • Steven Wright
     Famous for his unique brand of deadpan comedy and surreal one-liners. His understated delivery turns even the most absurd observations into cutting sarcastic gems.

  • Don Rickles
     Remembered for his quick wit and insult comedy. His biting sarcasm transformed even harsh put-downs into a form of twisted affection.

  • Mitch Hedberg
     Celebrated for his surreal humor and unconventional delivery. His one-liners often carried a subtle sarcastic undercurrent that kept audiences delightfully off-balance.

  • George Carlin
     Famous for his relentless observations on society, religion, and politics, always delivered with a mix of cynicism and biting sarcasm. His performances redefined stand-up as social critique.

  • Bill Hicks
     Acerbic and existential, his satirical tirades against consumerism, media, and hypocrisy gained cult status. His sarcastic style challenged audiences to confront uncomfortable truths.

  • Joan Rivers
     A pioneer of sharp, often merciless biting sarcasm
    aimed at others as much as at herself. Her fearless approach set the stage for generations of comedians.

  • Chris Rock
     Blends social commentary with cutting sarcasm on racism, relationships, and politics. His ability to turn raw reality into razor-edged punchlines made him globally influential.

  • Sarah Silverman
     Known for her ironically naïve persona that invariably pivots into sarcastic barbs. Her comedy disarms with innocence before delivering the sting.

  • The Simpsons/South Park
     Animated series whose humor almost always rests on sarcastic exaggerations of social absurdities. Both shows have shaped entire generations’ sense of irony and satire.

  • Gary Larson The Far Side
     A master of bizarre visual setups, whose punchlines often hinge on absurd, deadpan sarcasm. His cartoons distilled sarcasm into a single, unforgettable image.

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Literature

 # 547: HUMOR! Standard textbook of all aspects, ~1000 p. II 2024

 A fundamental aspect of our resilience and humanity. It acts as a bridge between the depth of love and the inevitability of death, offering a glimpse into the indomitable spirit of human beings to find Joy, our 'Queen Mother of Feelings' in the brightest, and spiritual light in the darkest. The power of humor connects, heals, and illuminates the human condition. In life's Yin and Yang, the human spirit, fortified with love and laughter, remains immortal in dignity.

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 Sarkasmus to Go - Affirmationskarten für Menschenhasser Cards – 1 Jan. 2024 by Eldar Stein (Author).

 Sarkasmus to Go Einatmen und Ausrasten: Bist du es leid, von Idioten umgeben zu sein? Platzt dir schon morgens die Hutschnur, weil du so viel Dummheit nicht ertragen kannst? Dann sind diese Affirmations- und Karmakarten genau das Richtige für dich. Die orangefarbenen Affirmationskarten sind nur für dich. Zieh morgens eine Karte, sprich den Text dreimal nach und du bist für jede Lebenslage gewappnet. Die schwarzen Karmakarten sind für deine Mitmenschen. Verteile sie bei passender Gelegenheit an Kollegen, Familienmitglieder oder Freunde und lass diese Karte für dich sprechen. Affirmationen für Menschenhasser.

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German Voices in Literature and Satire

Heinrich Heine
 A poet whose lyrical elegance often carried sarcastic undertones. His wit cut through nationalism, romantic illusions, and even his own contemporaries with a refined sting.

Kurt Tucholsky
 One of the Weimar Republic’s sharpest satirists. His essays and poems combined sarcasm, irony, and political critique, exposing hypocrisy in state, church, and bourgeois life.

Karl Kraus
 In Die Fackel, he used sarcasm as a weapon against journalism, politics, and war propaganda. His relentless, biting style made him both admired and feared.

Ephraim Kishon
 Through satire and sarcasm, he captured the absurdities of everyday life, bureaucracy, and marriage
 beloved also by German readers for decades.

Erich Kästner
 Known internationally for his children’s books, but his poems and cabaret texts often carried sarcastic commentary on politics and human folly in 20th-century Germany.

Loriot (Vicco von Bülow)
 Germany’s master of subtle sarcasm in sketches, cartoons, and prose. His deadpan humor dissected everyday absurdities, especially in family and social rituals.

Dieter Hildebrandt
 A giant of German Kabarett. His sarcastic monologues attacked political corruption and bureaucracy with a mix of wit and moral seriousness.

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Sarcasm oneliners from A to Z ... your Top Ten?! :-)

 

Adults are just kids with invoices.

At my funeral, please don’t say ‘He’s in a better place.’ I’m claustrophobic.

 

Brain loading… please wait.

 

Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.

Confidence is silent. My inner monologue, however, is screaming.

 

Error: motivation not found.

Everybody’s unique — just like everyone else.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Even my failure in style outperforms your banal success.

 

First of all, no. Second of all, still no.

 

Go ahead. Underestimate me. It’ll be hilarious.

 

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Hyphenated. Non-hyphenated. The irony.

 

I am busy now, can I ignore you some other time.

I believed in evolution until I met you.

I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing.

I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.

I don’t have trust issues. I have Wi-Fi issues. Same feeling.

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.

I envy people who haven’t met you.

I followed my dreams. They blocked me.

I get plenty of exercisejumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

I have an hourglass figure; too bad the sand has shifted.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

I have multiple personalities, and none of them like you.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I love everybody: some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I'd love to punch in the face.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I really need the one thing you can provide, your absence.

 

I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced, I keep the house.

I’m busy; you’re ugly. Have a nice day.

I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget at the same time.

I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.

I’m not confused. I’m just gathering perspectives simultaneously.

I’m not depressed. I’m just underwhelmed by reality.

I’m not failing. I’m exploring alternative victories.

I’m not ignoring you. I’m just giving you time to reflect.

I’m not ignoring you. I’m just prioritizing my peace.

I’m not listening, but pleasego on.

I’m not rude. I just speak fluent sarcasm.

I’m not saying I hate people, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.

I’m not saying you’re ugly, but if you were a scarecrow, birds would bring back the corn.

I’m silently correcting your grammar.

I’m so bad at relationships, I make single look good.

I'm so broke, I can't even afford to pay attention.

I'm so busy, I don't have time to tell people how busy I am.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don't buy it.

 

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up your ego and from there jump to your IQ level.

If ignorance is bliss, then you must be the happiest person on the planet.

If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

 

I sleep like a baby – I wake up every two hours crying.

It was so cold last winter, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

It was so hot yesterday, I think my shadow was trying to find shade.

It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

 

Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

Keep your standards low and your sarcasm high.

 

Life is a sitcom. I'm just not sure who the laugh track is for.

 

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx.

Mirrors don’t lie, and lucky for you, they don’t laugh either.

Modern life: convincing apps I’m not a robot, while becoming one.

My alone time is for your safety.

My imaginary friend says you have serious issues.

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

My life feels like a test I didn’t study forand the subject wasn’t covered in class.

My people skills are fine. It’s just my tolerance for idiots that’s low.

My self-esteem is password protectedand I forgot it.

 

No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.

 

Of course I talk to myself. I need expert advice.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 

Passive-aggressive is my native tongue.

Please cancel my subscription to your issues.

Punching people in the facebut with words!

 

Reality calledI hung up.

Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.

 

Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.

Sarcasm: my cardio.

Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.

Some bring joy wherever they go, others whenever they go.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person, but then I laugh and continue my day.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once.

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

Speak the truthbut leave immediately after.

Stupidity’s not a crime, so you’re free to go.

Sure, I have all the time in the world to listen to your life story.

Sorry… to have met you.

 

Technically alive, emotionally buffering.

The only thing wrong with doing nothing is you never know when you’re done.

The road to hell is probably a group chat.

Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!

This traffic is so bad, I’ve aged  years in the last hour!

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

 

War does not determine who is rightonly who is left.

We all make mistakes. Mine just have better PR.

We live in a society that thinks a degree makes you smart and a suit makes you credible.

When you have something to say, raise your hand and … place it over your mouth.

When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead. It’s only difficult for others. It’s the same way when you’re stupid.

Winston Churchill: You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

Wow, thanks for inviting me to your party. I love spending time with strangers.

 

You bring drama like it’s a potluck.

You have something on your chin… no, the third one down.

You should be careful if you don’t want to be offended. I can speak fluent sarcasm.

You’re not useless. You can always serve as a bad example.

You're entitled to your wrong opinion.

You're like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

You're not the sharpest spoon in the drawer, are you?

You're the reason group chats go silent.

 

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ASSets

 

My Top Ten - at least just now:

  1. At my funeral, please don’t say ‘He’s in a better place.’ I’m claustrophobic.

  2. Hyphenated. Non-hyphenated. The irony.

  3. I believed in evolution until I met you.

  4. I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced, I keep the house.

  5. I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

  6. It was so cold last winter, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

  7. It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

  8. Of course I talk to myself. I need expert advice.

  9. Some bring joy wherever they go, others whenever they go.

  10. When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead. It’s only difficult for others. It’s the same way when you’re stupid.

 

  © by Dr. Hilmar Alquiros, The Philippines  Impressum Data Protection Statement / Datenschutzerklärung 

 

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